My kids have string lights in their room. Colorful stars for the boys and soft white fairy lights for my girl. I love their lights. It makes their rooms more fun and inviting. And I think of myself as a child and I would have been giddy with joy to have magical fairy lights in my room. I think they like them. They fall asleep with them on, so part of my nightly routine is to go and unplug them so they can sleep better in a darker room. Every night as I do, I see them sleeping so soundly and my heart swells with love for my little people. We were watching Ron Gone Wrong together the other day, and there's a part when the dad talks about his son being a little piece of his heart walking around outside of him. What a perfect way to describe our children and how we feel so intensely about them. I just feel totally and completely overwhelmed with love for them every night as I go and unplug their lights and pray for them. It's a crazy amount of love. Is it evolution? Am I hardwired to love so deeply? Or is it something transcendent? Maybe both? It feels transcendent. Pure. Holy. So deep that it makes me believe in God again. It makes me believe this life, these moments with them cannot be all I have, right? It makes me feel like our souls are bound in love beyond time and existence as I know it now. But I still don't know. Only hope, and regardless of what lies beyond I feel immense gratitude for the here and now I have with each of them in these moments. How fiercely I love them!
Today I was getting ready for church and a song was in my head. Just the tune, not the words. I vaguely remembered it being from a BYU production that my parents used to watch. I thought it was a thanksgiving one. So as a shot in the dark I asked Alexa to play "Thanksgiving praise songs from BYU". Of course she couldn't find it. But she said "Here are other songs from BYU concert choir" and then proceeded to play THE EXACT SONG I WAS LOOKING FOR. Either God or Alexa was listening to my humming. But really, though I still feel agnostic-ish, I want it to be God. I want it to be a tender mercy, them sending me a loving message through this song. And though my shoulder skeptic tried to tell me it was just a lucky coincidence, I let myself be wrapped in the moment and the loving words of the song. I imagined it like a lullaby my Heavenly Parents (Mormons believe God is both God the Mother and God the Father, two parents, that are our parents) were singing to me. Th...
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