My kids have string lights in their room. Colorful stars for the boys and soft white fairy lights for my girl. I love their lights. It makes their rooms more fun and inviting. And I think of myself as a child and I would have been giddy with joy to have magical fairy lights in my room. I think they like them. They fall asleep with them on, so part of my nightly routine is to go and unplug them so they can sleep better in a darker room. Every night as I do, I see them sleeping so soundly and my heart swells with love for my little people. We were watching Ron Gone Wrong together the other day, and there's a part when the dad talks about his son being a little piece of his heart walking around outside of him. What a perfect way to describe our children and how we feel so intensely about them. I just feel totally and completely overwhelmed with love for them every night as I go and unplug their lights and pray for them. It's a crazy amount of love. Is it evolution? Am I hardwired to love so deeply? Or is it something transcendent? Maybe both? It feels transcendent. Pure. Holy. So deep that it makes me believe in God again. It makes me believe this life, these moments with them cannot be all I have, right? It makes me feel like our souls are bound in love beyond time and existence as I know it now. But I still don't know. Only hope, and regardless of what lies beyond I feel immense gratitude for the here and now I have with each of them in these moments. How fiercely I love them!
I have always LOVED writing about myself. Why? I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm a social anxious extrovert? So a huge part of me wants to put myself out there and be known and heard, but I have crazy amounts of anxiety around people. Writing seems like a safer way to put myself out there, or at least pretend I'm putting myself out there. I also think that maybe growing up the oldest of eight kids left me feeling kind of...invisible? That on top of being totally socially anxious at school, where I also felt invisible, might be reasons why I like to write about who I am. It's also been such a life long quest for me to figure out who I even am. I am still on this journey. When I was younger I remember people always asking me why I was so quiet. And I distinctly remember at some point in my childhood a peer telling me I had "no personality." Which, well, to them I didn't. I was just that girl who never talked and was aw...
Comments
Post a Comment