Okay, I am writing three blog posts in one night. I have way too much on my brain, clearly. But I just need to write about this profoundly moving experience I had today. I've got to put it here so I can remember the lessons I learned/relearned/remembered.
Today was...rough. One of my children who is far too old to pee on the couch, peed on the couch. And then I found poop on the wall from another child. My three were fighting and cranky all day. I slept terrible last night so I was also feeling terrible irritable and the poop and pee everywhere did not help my state of mind.
We were invited to see a movie with cousins and Grandma and Grandpa. It was supposed to be a fun thing, a peaceful family outing. But driving there my kids were yelling and fighting again and I was both livid at my kids yet also sad that I was livid and cranky with them. Then as we walked up to the theater, I saw S in front of me, skipping happily and excitedly and thought "Wow, he is just so happy and carefree and I am the mean mom that is just ruining things with my grouchiness. But he's so cute."
Then we went in to watch the show and things calmed down. But guess what. The show we saw was Encanto. And the cute short before it (SPOILER ALERT) was all about how we get wounded by those we love, who wound us because of their fears of us being hurt or lost. And too often we end up being tempted to pass down those fears in the name of love. Too often I am thank grumpy, scary even, racoon in the short, that while I am trying to protect my child, I end up terrifying my child and breaking the bonds of love and connection. Thankfully, I *don't* feel like I am as scary as I used to be before I started therapy, but I still get snappy or I feel the need to dole out punishments or harshly correct bad behavior (like pee on the couch and poop on the walls) but that is not what I want. I want to be like the racoon who instead of raged, taught with love. Who explains. Who shows her children her scares and explains where they came from. Who is open, honest, reflective and repentant. Who strives for connection instead of requiring strict obedience. The short hit me particularly hard after a morning of frustrations, and I resolved again to be a gentle teacher, not a raging tyrant. (Raging tyrant is an exaggeration for me, but it gets the point across. I don't want to be that grumpy, disconnected mom.)
Then the rest of the movie followed this same beautiful theme and I found myself crying, and almost sobbing at some points in the movie. I felt all of the feelings of the characters. The strong sister, who serves others constantly and feels like she is only of value if she is serving. The crazy thing about this is *on the way to the movie* I was journaling that this exact thing was something I struggled with. Then there was the perfect sister, who felt she only had value if she was doing everything perfectly, and stifled he true self to be what everyone else deemed as perfect. I felt that one too, clearly and cried as I watched her open up to be her true, crazy, fun self. And then there was the main character, who tries so hard to be helpful but feels never enough tells her abuela that that is how she makes her feel, never, ever enough. Oh man I felt that one so much. I felt all of these things so much, and how the house is falling apart and the abuela keeps saying it's fine and sweeping things under the rug. And then the thing that made me sob the most, is going back in time and watching Abuela's trauma. The painful, painful trauma of her life. It started out so exciting and full of life and love and then ended up with a deeply painful loss. And it was that loss that kept her fearfully trying to control and manage everyone else. And then they both realize their errors, embrace and together they rebuild the house.
Gahhh what a POWERFUL story. I cannot believe how perfect the timing of this movie was for me. I felt like it was made just for me, and I cried and cried to hubby afterward talking about it. I can see the trauma in both sides of my family and how it's been passed down, and how I too unintentionally pass it down. But I also want to allow myself to self reflect and repent, always repent and change my ways and become a healer instead of a controller. It also gave me so much love for my own parents who I know have probably had their own traumas they've faced in their lives that I know nothing about. And I can see that in their efforts to save us from pain and evil, it can often come across as controlling and critical. Just like abuela. Just like the mama racoon. And I do the same.
Oh, the other heartbreaking part was the son that "we don't talk about". He was too honest in his words (he was a future teller) and so he left because he "loved his family, but didn't feel like he was helping them.) Which he never really left, just lived in the walls. And made is own little plate as if he was sitting with the family. That made me super sad too. And made me think that I NEVER want to isolate any of my children like that. And it made me feel a bit sad on how I've pulled back from my family for similar reasons, but I still love them dearly.
Anyway, I think this is my new favorite. I want to watch it again and again and remind myself not to pass down that trauma. I want to also remember there is always hope and healing, and that even when I stumble I can try again. It reminds me that with love, honesty, humility, and self reflection we can build up this house and heal or homes.
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